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Fifteen were killed, and seventeen are now without arms and feet after a typo caused twenty trucks filled with bears to be delivered to Sigma Chi this Friday in what authorities are calling a tragic five hundred beer delivery mix-up.
“I emailed Mike to order five hundred beers for this kick-ass party we were gonna have this weekend,” said James Winthrop ’12. “But I forgot to proofread the message and I accidentally asked him to order five hundred ‘bears’! Totes my b.”
Although Mike Connelly ’13 was initially thrown by his frat brother’s unorthodox request, he ultimately “figured it was part of the theme of the party or something.” Connelly said in an interview that “James has asked me to do some pretty weird things over the years, so I didn’t think much of it. Once during rush I had to order nineteen crates of Greek yogurt, and eat the whole thing, too! And then kill a man.”
After repeatedly searching “bears delivery providence” in Google, Connelly found a website for “this cheap place in Pawtucket” that offered bulk bear delivery services. “The place seemed real mom and pop, you know?” Connelly explained. “Except with bears.”
Once delivered, the bears were set free to roam. DPS was called to the scene but found themselves ill-equipped to handle the situation. As DPS officer Michael Stevenson explained, “Most of us had missed the week of bear army combat training. It just didn’t seem relevant at the time.”
But many Sigma brothers agreed that the most upsetting part of the whole ordeal was the complete absence of beer. “If we had been a little buzzed, it wouldn’t have been so bad,” commented Philip White ’13, a Sigma brother who lost two hands and thirty percent of his scalp in an encounter with a mother grizzly bear whose cub he had mistaken for a beanbag chair.
“Yep, definitely won’t make that mistake again,” said Winthrop. “Mainly because I am facing some pretty serious criminal charges and will probably be in jail for the rest of my life.” He added, “But you have to admit it was a killer party.”
