The Undergraduate Council of Students placed 12th this year at the annual Mock Student Government Conference, falling behind the Cornell Student Assembly by a wide margin, but eking out a hard-fought victory over the University of Phoenix Forum Moderators.
“We had no idea that our ragtag bunch of faux-representatives would ever even make it this far,” said UCS Team Captain Rob Malthus ‘14.5. “We’ve done our best to mime listening to student concerns, and hosted countless facsimiles of productive conversations about our university’s mission and progress, and it feels good to finally be able to pretend that that somehow paid off.”
Sources report that it has not been an easy year for the UCS Team, as they’ve had to feign careful and considered responses to such hot-button issues as coal divestment, Ray Kelly, and the cost of cookies at Andrews Commons.
Doug Lambert, one of the competition’s three judges, said he saw “definite promise” in UCS, explaining that if the team members “continue to work as hard as they’re working now, in a few decades—maybe even years—they could become a real fake-difference-making force within the campus community.”
The judges ranked all the competitors on a 10-point rubric with five separate categories. UCS scored 5/10 in “Jargon,” 6/10 in “Parliamentary Procedure,” 3/10 in “Pretend Progress,” and 7/10 in “Committee Making.” UCS also brought home a special commendation for “Excellence in Administrative Ass-Kissing,” an award given out only once before in the competition’s history.
The Mock Student Government Association also praised the Paxson administration for its continued support in the development of the simulation of student government on campus, once again citing the importance for undergraduates to “continue to pretend that they are able to change things.”
While a committee to investigate how to improve their standing in coming years is in the works, Malthus stressed that the team members aren’t in it for the sake of competition. “Sure, it’s nice to get recognized for our fake work,” he said. “But we all signed up first and foremost to help our resumes.”