Wednesday, November 22, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Uber For Gondolas Only Works in One Place

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

In a company press release issued last Tuesday, Uber has reported its failure to find success with its latest venture into gondola ridesharing anywhere outside of Venice.

“Times have been tough for Uber lately but this gondola thing has really been hitting us where it hurts," said Roman Vorp, an Uber board member. "We focus grouped the idea everywhere – Nashville, Moscow, Cape Town – but it hasn’t seemed to stick.”

“Traveling by gondola sounds cool, but I’d have to go four hours out of my way to do it,” said Oklahoma resident Kate Nash, voicing the complaints of many Uber users who live far from bodies of water. “It would really make my commute a pain.”

In the press release, Uber listed other obstacles they faced when trying to garner support for the gondola ridesharing system: the vehicles wouldn’t be able to fit down narrow German streets, Parisian users think gondolas are already passé, and gondola traffic in Hong Kong would become too heavy for the limited waterway infrastructure.

“We thought people would be drawn in if we marketed it as a gas-free transportation alternative," explained Vorp, "But our preliminary research showed that’s less important to people than actually being able to get anywhere. I think we’re just going to have to go back to the drawing board for this one.”

At press time, Lyft has reported similar luck with their rickshaw ridesharing campaign.

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