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Much to the chagrin of her children, local mother Elizabeth Pretier, 44, has started in on another self-help book, “A Better You.”
“I don’t even recognize her sometimes,” said Adler Pretier, 17, the eldest of Elizabeth’s three children. “She’s making us eat all this weird stuff, like bee pollen and chia seeds, and she says that we’re poisoning our bodies with fast food and pornography. I mean, I guess she’s right, but I preferred when she was passive aggressive about it.”
“Whenever we try to argue or disagree with her about something, she says we’re being ‘toxic presences,’” added Leyna Pretier, 13. “The she goes and takes a 45-minute bath.”
“I felt like I had lost touch with myself," explained Elizabeth as she prepared the week’s meals. “’A Better You’ has allowed me to align the cogs of my mind and the vertebrae of my spine in order to develop a more centralized sense of self.”
Sources close to the family report that Elizabeth has begun instituting a daily yoga hour for the children.
“She told us that ‘A Better You’ says: ‘The key to a successful life is to care for your mind, body, and spirit as if they were all part of one beautiful instrument,‘" Adler reported, as Mrs. Petrier pulled out a yoga mat made of pesticide-free wheat fibers. "’One beautiful instrument that needs constant tuning.’”
Elizabeth Pretier was last seen planning a trip to the Adirondacks so the family could ‘commune with nature’ over a week-long camping excursion.
