Unfurling a scroll of yellow parchment containing the founding decree of Brown University, Dean Smithers, a University administrator, read aloud for the first time founding principles of intellectual pursuit, integrity, and not pissing off donors.

“Here, upon this hallowed land, we shall construct buildings––great buildings that will play host to fierce debate over relevant issues––and we shall give those buildings names, and those name wills be auctioned off to the highest bidder,” read Dean Smithers, pausing to add gravitas, “and we will under no circumstances upset the name-givers, for they are the lifeblood of our existence.”

“We as an educational institution will aspire to lofty ideals of virtuous study and harmonious existence,” continued Smithers, about to arrive to his favorite part in the document that outlines the moral code of the entire University, “and never, I repeat, never, in pursuit of these goals should the university bite the hand that feeds it.”

At press time, RISD’s administration unearthed a founding decree that was some bullshit pop-art rendition of a soup can.

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