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The discovery of the powdered remnants of some unknown substance on an area school bus Thursday prompted intense investigation by third grader Dirk Georgesson, who concluded that, whatever it was, it was “definitely some kind of drug.”
The student body general was first alerted to the drug’s presence at approximately 3:35 p.m., when Keegan Garfunkel, a friend of Georgesson’s, noticed a white powder dusting the seat next to his. Despite initial attempts to keep the matter confidential, the pair’s furtive whispers were overheard and passed throughout the bus. Students were reportedly not deterred by the driver’s strict no-standing-up policy and seat-hopped to congregate at Ground Zero of the investigation.
Georgesson is widely recognized by the class to be the preeminent authority on all drug-related matters. “Oh yeah, know every drug,” he said. “Weed, coke, pot…this definitely looks like pot.”
Others disagreed with Georgesson’s findings. “No way that’s pot,” fifth-grader Leroy Jones said. “I do pot all the time, and it doesn’t look anything like that. It’s probably ecstasy.”
While some students declared the substance to be residue from a drug party by local high schoolers, others speculated that it was likely from the driver’s personal stash. “I bet he does all kinds of crazy stuff when he’s not driving the bus,” one student suggested. “What if there are other drugs in here?”
At press time, a group of fifth graders were cheering Jones on as he licked some of the powder.
