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The University moved forward yesterday with a plan to buy even more stupid little tables that aren’t good for anything and will only ever be used when the better tables around them have been taken.
“Students have just responded so positively to Andrews Commons,” reported Dean of the Office of Residential Life and Dining Services Adrian Shinsky, “and we’re sure it’s at least in part because of all the knee-high surfaces that are too low for the chairs so you have to sort of arch your back to reach your food. We really think it adds to community engagement.”
Citing their lack of versatility, unpleasant aesthetic and weird, dumb shapes, Shinsky went on to describe how the tables accentuate Brown’s fumblings at good taste and inability to spend money in a way that actually improves quality of life on campus, characteristics he considers crucial for an internationally renowned university-college.
“This is our ticket to the 21st century,” said Shinsky, accidentally sitting down on one of the ill-conceived tables because he momentarily mistook it for a bad chair. “These are the days of sterile lighting, garish fabric patterns with random letters printed on them and expensive, unattractive renovations. I’m proud to report that Brown is leading the field.”
The University plans to order 300 more of the stupid things—an assortment of the Ugly Molded Plastic, Surprisingly Heavy and Toe Stubber varieties—as the first step in a university-wide effort to fully phase out the kind of furniture that students can actually use effectively.
