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Earlier today, the University announced plans to achieve absolutely nothing by 2030.
“I’m very excited to unveil our University’s newest commitment to the future,” stated President Christina Paxson, gesturing to the completely blank slideshow behind her. “Some of you may remember the university accomplishing significant amounts of nothing as recently as last year. However, I think the community will be very surprised by how little we will be accomplishing by the end of this decade.”
“Our goal each year is to do the least for our community,” Paxson continued, pulling out a graph depicting a straight, horizontal line. “By providing neither improvement nor hope for change, we aim to inspire our students to accomplish nothing in their own post-graduate careers!”
“We already have many projects underway to meet our ambitious deadline,” she continued, pressing “send” on an empty email. “For example, we have already begun canceling much needed renovations to academic and residential buildings, and we will ensure that our dining halls will continue to serve the same exact rotation of food forever.”
At press time, the Center for Career Exploration renewed its promise to put every student into dynamic and engaging soul-sucking careers.
