Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

University COVID Policy Now Just Hoping Outbreak Happens After Finals

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Russell Carey, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy, has confirmed that the University’s COVID policy is now just hoping that the inevitable outbreak happens after finals period. “I’m not entirely sure how we made it this far, to be honest, so I think we’re just gonna go ahead and hope that whatever has saved us from a full-on outbreak keeps on going until all the kids leave,” Carey said, adding that the University has adopted a strong COVID mitigation strategy of squeezing their eyelids tight and hoping as hard as they can. “We’ve tried asking if students would pretty please see only five other people, and we’ve tried wagging our fingers fairly aggressively, and we’ve even tried sending mass emails pretending everyone’s in trouble. So at this point, we’re just hoping that holds until late April, maybe early May if possible.” Carey went on to explain that the University’s vaccination plan is just assuming that every student will walk past CVS when they’re trying to give out some leftover doses.

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