Monday, October 26, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

University Cuts Varsity Squash To Expand Funding For Ratty Squash

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

In a stunning move, Brown University has revoked Varsity status from the men’s and women’s squash teams. The decision was reportedly a necessary financial move to increase the University’s funding towards Ratty squash.

“The plan is called the ‘Excellence Initiative’,” stated President Christina Paxson in a schoolwide email. “We are taking away resources from our student-athletes in order to make our squash more excellent.”

The school has reportedly engaged in a “data-driven review” that concluded that butternut squash provides necessary Vitamin A to students, while Varsity Squash only provides joy and an opportunity for talented student-athletes to pursue their passion.

“This decision to cut the Varsity Squash organizations really boils down to gender equity,” continued Paxson, commending her heroic decision. “Now every student — no matter their gender identity — can eat more squash.”

At press time, the University announced they were cutting nine other varsity teams. Not for money or anything, those ones are just for fun.

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…