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The Brown Noser

University Cuts Varsity Squash To Expand Funding For Ratty Squash

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

In a stunning move, Brown University has revoked Varsity status from the men’s and women’s squash teams. The decision was reportedly a necessary financial move to increase the University’s funding towards Ratty squash.

“The plan is called the ‘Excellence Initiative’,” stated President Christina Paxson in a schoolwide email. “We are taking away resources from our student-athletes in order to make our squash more excellent.”

The school has reportedly engaged in a “data-driven review” that concluded that butternut squash provides necessary Vitamin A to students, while Varsity Squash only provides joy and an opportunity for talented student-athletes to pursue their passion.

“This decision to cut the Varsity Squash organizations really boils down to gender equity,” continued Paxson, commending her heroic decision. “Now every student — no matter their gender identity — can eat more squash.”

At press time, the University announced they were cutting nine other varsity teams. Not for money or anything, those ones are just for fun.

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