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Officials with the Providence Police Department announced this afternoon that local institution of higher learning, Brown University, passed away yesterday at the age of 249.
“Though information is still trickling in, we can confirm that the University was found dead Thursday morning on a plot of land in Providence, R.I., on the eve of its semiquincentenary,” Chief Sheriff David M. DeCesare told reporters in a televised press conference, adding that the coroner’s office had not yet ruled out foul play. “Officials suspect that a combination of issues that plagued the University—including the intense psychological stress of unethical environmental policies, shadowy corporate ties, and troubled relations with international and lower-income students—had likely taken their toll on the aging school. However, an investigation is currently underway into the exact nature of the University’s death. At this point, given the institution’s various dangerous and problematic associations, nothing is off the table.”
Officials added that a memorial service will be held later this afternoon, followed by an extended period of remembrance that will reportedly stretch from March 2014 all the way into May of 2015.
