Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

University Preaches COVID Caution, Maintains Confidence, Preaches Confidently Maintaining Cautious Confidence

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

In a recent email, President Christina Paxson and University administration preached COVID caution, while maintaining their confidence and advising students to confidently maintain cautious confidence.

“Now is a time for celebration, sacrifice, relaxation, and vigilance,” the email announced. “We remain realistically optimistic, skeptically earnest, anticipatorily even-keeled, and prognosticationally inquisitive.”

The University has announced its hope for a year of in-person classes, with that hope tempered by serious concerns, with those serious concerns buoyed by the promise of a brighter tomorrow, with that promise dimmed by new developments, with those developments nuanced by Brown’s unique situation, with that situation changing daily.

“Let me say unequivocally that we are in full possession of some confidence,” wrote Paxson in the campus-wide email. “I am nine-tenths certain that we have half a chance of doing 100% of 50% of the things we planned. Uncertainty, after all, is one of the only certainties, except for the moments when it isn’t.”

At press time, the University was able to confidently announce a date for Commencement 2022, “unless it rains that day.”

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