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The Brown Noser

University Reveals New "34 Strikes And You're Out" Policy For Varsity Lax Team

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

In a groundbreaking display of authority in light of a recent uptick in COVID cases on campus, the University has instituted a new “34 Strikes And You’re Out” policy for the varsity lacrosse team.

“I understand the desire to gather in large groups and return to normalcy,” wrote Brown President Christina Paxson in a sternly worded email to members of the lax team. “But we are starting to get too many concerning reports of campus safety violations for us to continue ignoring them. If we hear about this a few dozen more times, we’ll have no choice but to start issuing some formal warnings.”

“Behavior of this sort puts the entire Brown community at risk, and we simply can’t accept more than 20 or 30 violations per person,” Paxson continued, making it clear that the University would strictly enforce its policies at least once weekly. “It’s critical that you space out the bigger parties and keep the bar hopping to one or two days a week, maximum.”

“Fool me 33 times, shame on you. But fool me 34 times, shame on me!”

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