Acquaintances Ira Lehman and Peter Liu have revealed that their annual “Happy Birthday” text to each other is just a battle to see who will kick the bucket first.
“Sure, we don’t talk much otherwise and haven’t been in the same state in years, but I’m always excited to wish Peter a happy birthday in hopes that it will be the last time I ever have to do it,” said Ira, sighing heavily upon receiving a “Thank you!” response from Peter.
Reminiscing on the viral video shared in their group chat recently, a local friend group unanimously agreed they could totally have made that TikTok.
“I swear we made this joke like two weeks ago,” said one group member, befuddled at how TikTok sensations — whose only job is to produce content with the aid of professional lighting and conventional good looks — beat his friend group to the punch.
In an awe-inspiring display of benevolence, Max Reiner indicated that he did not mind splitting the check with his friends after he ordered six drinks.
“I’m fine with just tossing all our cards in to avoid the math,” said Reiner, still sipping from his sixth glass of wine like an idle sommelier.
In an attempt to fully convey his affinity for Lauryn Hill and Fleetwood Mac, area man Jeremy Fogel bashed some of his vinyls into his wall with super glue and a nail gun.
“Music has always been a transformational tool in my life,” Fogel explained as he lathered a paint brush of super glue onto the back of a vinyl.
Students in CLPS 0210 report that their textbook has gotten kind of informal in the captions of its photos.
“Trust us, everyone has crazy dreams sometimes,” read one of the weirdly casual captions accompanying images of brain scans. “We don’t need old Dr.
Shaking his head in confusion with an exasperated sigh, the go-to expositional character in crime procedural NCFBIS complained that the case just didn’t make any sense, immediately before summarizing the events of every prior episode.
“We know she was having an affair with her psychologist and frequently left the city to see her estranged daughter,” said Officer Jim Greene, conveniently paraphrasing the season-long arc that has been pointing to the inevitability of this exact moment for weeks.
In a groundbreaking display of authority in light of a recent uptick in COVID cases on campus, the University has instituted a new “34 Strikes And You’re Out” policy for the varsity lacrosse team.
“I understand the desire to gather in large groups and return to normalcy,” wrote Brown President Christina Paxson in a sternly worded email to members of the lax team.
The new “Stop 45 Diner” is changing modern dining by serving drinks out of glasses rather than mason jars, its patrons reported.
“I just couldn’t believe how fun they were able to make the drinks look by putting them in these cylindrical glasses,” said restaurant-goer Melissa Lu, excited by the fresh new spin on the typical jars used for drinks.
Relaxing after another laid-back day of recording computer science lectures, Professor Martha Sloane expressed relief that her CS class was already technologically alienating and interactionless before the University’s switch to remote learning.
“Since no one showed up to class on campus anyway, I can just keep filming my lectures alone like I always did,” Sloane said, feeling thankful that the curriculum of a large CS class never required engaging with students in the first place.