Tuesday, October 19, 2021
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Pelumi Omotosho

Writer

Pelumi's articles

Alternating “Happy Birthday” Texts With Acquaintance Just Battle To See Who Will Die First | Sep 17 2021

Acquaintances Ira Lehman and Peter Liu have revealed that their annual “Happy Birthday” text to each other is just a battle to see who will kick the bucket first. “Sure, we don’t talk much otherwise and haven’t been in the same state in years, but I’m always excited to wish Peter a happy birthday in hopes that it will be the last time I ever have to do it,” said Ira, sighing heavily upon receiving a “Thank you!” response from Peter.

We Could’ve Totally Made That Tik Tok, Friend Group Reports | Sep 17 2021

Reminiscing on the viral video shared in their group chat recently, a local friend group unanimously agreed they could totally have made that TikTok. “I swear we made this joke like two weeks ago,” said one group member, befuddled at how TikTok sensations — whose only job is to produce content with the aid of professional lighting and conventional good looks — beat his friend group to the punch.

Friend Who Ordered Six Drinks Doesn't Mind Splitting Check | Apr 09 2021

In an awe-inspiring display of benevolence, Max Reiner indicated that he did not mind splitting the check with his friends after he ordered six drinks. “I’m fine with just tossing all our cards in to avoid the math,” said Reiner, still sipping from his sixth glass of wine like an idle sommelier.

Area Man Bashes Vinyls Into Wall With Super Glue And Nail Gun To Show He Likes Them | Mar 12 2021

In an attempt to fully convey his affinity for Lauryn Hill and Fleetwood Mac, area man Jeremy Fogel bashed some of his vinyls into his wall with super glue and a nail gun. “Music has always been a transformational tool in my life,” Fogel explained as he lathered a paint brush of super glue onto the back of a vinyl.

Textbook Getting A Little Too Informal With Photo Captions | Mar 12 2021

Students in CLPS 0210 report that their textbook has gotten kind of informal in the captions of its photos. “Trust us, everyone has crazy dreams sometimes,” read one of the weirdly casual captions accompanying images of brain scans. “We don’t need old Dr.

"It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense," Reports Expositional Character Before Summating Events Of Every Episode | Feb 05 2021

Shaking his head in confusion with an exasperated sigh, the go-to expositional character in crime procedural NCFBIS complained that the case just didn’t make any sense, immediately before summarizing the events of every prior episode. “We know she was having an affair with her psychologist and frequently left the city to see her estranged daughter,” said Officer Jim Greene, conveniently paraphrasing the season-long arc that has been pointing to the inevitability of this exact moment for weeks.

University Reveals New "34 Strikes And You're Out" Policy For Varsity Lax Team | Oct 30 2020

In a groundbreaking display of authority in light of a recent uptick in COVID cases on campus, the University has instituted a new “34 Strikes And You’re Out” policy for the varsity lacrosse team. “I understand the desire to gather in large groups and return to normalcy,” wrote Brown President Christina Paxson in a sternly worded email to members of the lax team.

Quirky New Restaurant Serves Drinks Out Of Glasses Instead Of Mason Jars | Sep 25 2020

The new “Stop 45 Diner” is changing modern dining by serving drinks out of glasses rather than mason jars, its patrons reported. “I just couldn’t believe how fun they were able to make the drinks look by putting them in these cylindrical glasses,” said restaurant-goer Melissa Lu, excited by the fresh new spin on the typical jars used for drinks.

CS Professor Relieved Class Is Already Technologically Alienating And Interactionless | Apr 24 2020

Relaxing after another laid-back day of recording computer science lectures, Professor Martha Sloane expressed relief that her CS class was already technologically alienating and interactionless before the University’s switch to remote learning. “Since no one showed up to class on campus anyway, I can just keep filming my lectures alone like I always did,” Sloane said, feeling thankful that the curriculum of a large CS class never required engaging with students in the first place.