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Coldly offering to promote an exchange of ideas between campus and city, University officials threatened today to give back to the greater Providence community in a joint address with Providence Mayor Jorge Elorza. The warnings of a supposed “cross-cultural and mutually beneficial experience” come in response to renewed complaints on behalf of the city that Brown doesn’t pay its fair share of taxes and preys on communities through aggressive land grabs on and off College Hill.
“We are committed to enlivening the city of Providence and heralding in a new era for the Creative Capital,” said University President Christina Paxson, narrowing her eyes at Elorza and idly flicking her switch blade open and closed. “We would like to take what we do on the hill and bring it to our friends downtown and beyond. We’re fully prepared to start engaging critically with our neighbors, if that’s what the city decides, of course. It’s up to you if we go that way, isn’t it? I suppose we could just walk away.”
Among the twisted threats Paxson outlined in the address were hosting a joint conference on the architecture of College Hill, holding a series of lectures on Rhode Island topics, which would be open to the public, and renting out the Dunkin Donuts Center for a variety show where talented student groups and performers would perform for local citizens.
“It was chilling,” said Elorza, sweating and looking anxiously over his shoulder. “The way she can come right out and say these things—I’ve just never seen anything like it. She gets some sort of sick pleasure out of imagining the things she could do to us.”
At press time, Providence Journal Executive Editor Dave Butler was weeping through the canvas bag that had been jammed over his head and tearfully promising to cover the University’s commencement uncritically and without mentioning workers’ complaints.
