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Expressing excitement over Brown’s latest campus safety measure, President Christina Paxson recently announced that, as of next week, the entire campus will be covered with one gigantic tent.
“Science tells us that the likelihood of COVID spread is greatly decreased when outdoors," stated Paxson in a 2,000-word email sent to the Brown community. "To provide students with space to gather safely, we are planning to cover all 143 acres of Brown’s campus with one giant, white tent with a few picnic tables scattered underneath.”
The new tent will cover the entirety of Brown’s campus, rendering the indoor spaces on campus obsolete.
“We expect to see our weekly COVID cases drop to near zero as all gatherings will be held under the Tent, and COVID hates the Tent,” explained Paxson in a paragraph that filled the full length of the Gmail window. “Ideally, no Brown student or staff member will ever step foot into a building ever again, as we all make the transition to Tent life. With the increased access to Tent, we hope that you’ll take full advantage of all the dark, confusingly-damp space it has to offer.”
At press time, Paxson was elaborating on her plans to raise tuition in order to pay for the tent without dipping into the endowment.
