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Despite heavy campaigning by the Brown Divest Coal Campaign, the University has decided to instead double its investment in coal, for no other reason than to spite the numerous students who oppose it.
The Brown Divest Coal Campaign, which has launched several social media campaigns as well as held several rallies to demand different fuel source investments for the University for both economic and environmental reasons, has in fact irritated the Brown University Community Council to such an extent that they are currently investigating the budgetary possibility of “pouring all of our funds in to coal, every last cent,” according to University President Paxson.
“I mean, it’s just every day with these people. It would be one thing if it’s a reminder every two weeks or so, but every day there’s a tidal wave of whining about ‘divestment this,’ ‘climate change that.’”
Paxson declared that she was originally ready and willing to lead the Corporation away from the detrimental practice of investing in fossil fuels, but when she had to respond to a number of e-mails and phone calls from students and alumni, her patience depleted and she “felt the need to really just throw it back in their face.”
“They actually called me at my house last night to talk about it,” said Jonathan Hamm-Mitchell, member of the Corporation’s Board of Fellows. “It’s really just inexcusable. We’re just going to buy more coal than we can use in a lifetime. That’ll give them something to really be angry about.”
Former President Ruth Simmons has also voiced her support for “at least doubling the current investment” in 15 major fossil fuel companies due to the deluge of complaints that she has received from members of the Brown community. “That should teach them a lesson,” said Simmons.
The University Bookstore has also considered responding to complaints about the Adidas apparel they carry in light of poor working conditions by forcing a family of orphans to toil away in the window making shoes as passers-by look on.
