Friday, November 24, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Useless Owl Dispenses Zero Wisdom

Published Friday, November 3rd, 2017

Sources reported earlier this morning that the useless owl over in Cranston Park won’t impart a single piece of life-changing wisdom.

Owls are able to both understand and speak with humans, and tell anyone what is best for them because they are old and have weird necks. But the spotted owl in Cranston Park, when asked, will not answer any questions.

“It just sits on that branch right there,” Connie Meringer complained. “Where the hell does it get off, staring at me like that? I’ve been here for ten minutes asking him if he’s got any wisdom to impart on me. Nothing.”

“Our last owl was no good, either,” explained park ranger Buck Hockman. “And we didn’t complain. We’ve had some bad owls. But we all sorta thought with this new owl we’d get our due. Energy crisis, wealth disparity, politics– not a peep.” Wilder stated repeatedly his belief that this one was “hiding something”.

At press time, sources report that the tortoise in the pond wasn’t even wearing any huge glasses.

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