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The Brown Noser

Vegan Only Smokes Meat When Drunk

Published Friday, December 7th, 2018

Vegan Roger Murray reports that he only smokes meats after getting drunk.

“Meat? I can’t stand the stuff,” Murray emphatically stated. “It’s the product of animal suffering and environmental exploitation. That being said, I will admit that after a few beers, I occasionally wheel out my propane smoker and smoke one or sometimes two cuts of meat. However, I just do this socially and can cut the habit whenever.”

“Roger is always ragging on the American meat industry when he’s sober,” stated housemate Ben Richards. “But when we come back tipsy from a party, he’ll go absolutely nuts with his whole meat smoking operation. He’ll just pull out slab after slab of pork, really slather them with his favorite rub, and then smoke them. It’s never just one. Some Saturday nights, I’ve seen him go through and cure an entire hindquarter."

At press time, an embarrassed, hungover Miller was cleaning up discarded pork rinds from his bedroom floor.

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