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The Brown Noser

Verily Reveals Primary Motive To Build Intricate Q-Tip Sculpture

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

In a recent press release, Verily, the provider of testing for Brown students and faculty, has revealed that their primary motive has been to build a massive Q-tip sculpture out of their collection of testing swabs.

“We’ve been happy to provide COVID-19 testing to Brown University to keep the school safe, but, honestly, we should be thanking you more than you should be thanking us,” said Verily spokesperson and contemporary artist Brash Trynsky. “Sure, we have provided the school with 200,000 tests, but the school has provided us with 200,000 sticky Q-tips just asking to be constructed."

Eyewitness accounts have reported an impressive work-in-progress in a back room of the OMAC testing facility, where Verily employees can be seen diligently balancing the sticky ends of testing swabs upon each other to form a massive, abstract model of a human nose.

“We want to let the Brown community know that regular testing is extremely important for all students and faculty,” continued Trynsky, stressing the importance of providing a small but invaluable component of the ever-growing Q-tip sculpture every 3 to 4 days. “That’s why anyone who doesn’t get tested is at risk of suspension: non-compliance means that we have to stop progress on our project, and that is unacceptable."

At press time, Verily unveiled a papier-mâché bust of Christina Paxson made from the testing site’s discarded tissues.

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