Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Verily Would Like To Remind You To Shape The Fuck Up And Schedule Your God Damn Appointment You Irresponsible Shit

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

After sophomore Lilly Botsby went a week without getting a COVID-19 test, Verily sent her an email reminder to shape the fuck up and schedule her God damn appointment.

“Our records show that, as of 8:00AM this morning, you have not completed a routine COVID-19 test in the past four days, you irresponsible shit,” read the email. “Please resolve this matter by logging into the Healthy at School web application and scheduling a test, which we didn’t realize was so fucking difficult.”

“Getting tested regularly is a vital part of the Student Commitment to COVID-19 Community Health and Safety Requirements that you signed before we allowed your dumb ass back on campus,” continued the email. “It is important that you get tested twice per week, complete the symptom tracker every day, and get your shit together, you incompetent clown."

The email concluded by suggesting that if Botsby had any questions or concerns, she should just figure it out herself and use some sense for once in her miserable life.

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