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Reporters on the scene say that a local veteran has been losing sleep over his awesome war memories.
“Every night, my mind brings me back to those trenches. I close my eyes and suddenly, I’m back out there on the front,” said Private William Gunderson, rubbing his eyes after another sleepless night of fond reminiscing. “One minute, I’m chopping it up with my buddy. The next, I’m wiping his blood off my face after I failed to spot the enemy sniper. Should’ve known I was sitting in the splash zone, ha!"
“I still remember the first life I took too. It’s the kind of thing you never want to forget,” continued Gunderson, steadying his shaking hands as he relived his happiest moments. “The look on his face as he bled out—I can still see it every time I close my eyes. How cool is that?”
“War wasn’t all fun and games, though. Make no mistake—the worst day of my life happened out there in that jungle,” said a solemn Gunderson, breaking from his usual cheerful disposition toward war and violence. “It was the day they came for me, that damn helicopter and that damn lieutenant telling me I had to go home. They kicked me out of paradise like they threw Adam out of Eden. And since then, I’ve been consigned to this horrid civilian existence with my horrid civilian family.”
At press time, Gunderson was reliving his glory days by cowering in the closet at the sound of a loud car exhaust.
