In response to reports of oversized freshman pods, Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes has broken up an outsized friend group by spreading toxic rumors about Chris and Katie.

“He sent us this long, official email,” said Norman Isham, a member of the friend group. “According to Vice President Estes, someone said Katie isn’t going to invite Chris to go skiing with the rest of us, because apparently the last time Chris was drunk he was super rude to her. But then Chris is going to be the only one who doesn’t go.”

“Estes kinda seemed to think that we all needed to choose a side,” said Isham as he blocked Katie on Instagram. “So I’m Team Chris, along with Mara and Jay, and Jay’s birthday party is just the four of us, and none of us are going to Ayanna’s game night because she chose Katie, and now we’re basically two completely separate friend groups who don’t interact or share the same common spaces, or spread airborne illnesses — Oh. Wait, no, I see what he did. Okay. That was clever.”

At press time, Estes was convincing freshmen to become BDH writers as a way of severely limiting their circle of friends.

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