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Claiming that it greatly enhances the heinousness of his acts, local villain Baron von Turnbuckle announced his decision to postpone his next dastardly deed until his mustache grows to a more twirlable length.
“I was going to tie this woman up to these railroad tracks today,” von Turnbuckle explained, impatiently rubbing at the thin hairs on his upper lip. “But then I was like, ‘Wait, how am I supposed to physically punctuate my cruelty?’”
“If I’m being honest with myself,” von Turnbuckle continued, “I think the mustache was the whole reason I got into villainy in the first place. Not really sure why I shaved it off. I just wanted a change of pace, I guess. You know?”
The baron’s recent sinister schemes include tying a European princess to some railroad tracks, tying a female newspaper reporter to some railroad tracks, tying the mayor’s daughter to some railroad tracks, tying a nun to some railroad tracks, tying a high society dame to some railroad tracks, tying the mayor’s wife to some railroad tracks, tying an old lady to some railroad tracks, tying the mayor herself (she’s a woman) to some railroad tracks, tying the entire student body of the local finishing school to some railroad tracks, petty larceny, arson, petty arson, and tying his own fiancée to some railroad tracks.
Von Turnbuckle went on to note that he had never once successfully completed one of his plots, as each one has been quickly and thoroughly foiled by a series of attractive, well-muscled men.
“What am I even doing?” von Turnbuckle asked, wistfully contemplating his gold-tipped cane. “When did I start being so evil? I liked math in school. I was a good kid. What changed? Oh jeez.”
At press time, von Turnbuckle was seen at a CVS buying a lifetime supply of Barbasol.
