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The Brown Noser

Violence Is Never The Answer Outside This Hockey Rink

Published Friday, September 5th, 2014

Son, I think you’re old enough to hear that the world is not always a great place. There are some people out there that are going to mean for no apparent reason, and most of the time they’re just doing it to get a rise out of you. But you need to be firm. Remember that violence is never the answer anywhere outside this hockey rink.

Did you ever hear that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind? When it comes down to it, violence is just a big waste of time until you hit the ice and that buzzer goes off, at which point there’s nothing wrong with throwing an elbow or two to gain competitive advantage. Just make sure the ref isn’t looking.

I’m telling you: if anyone ever tries to come up, get in your face and tell you that you are weak—just walk away. You should never feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone. Of course, if some sweaty meathead from Warren County has you up against the boards, trying to take your puck and prove he’s better than you are at hockey—which he’s not—just give him a stick to the jaw. A few lost teeth should keep him off you for a while!

I’m probably saying stuff you already know, but I’m dead serious. I better never hear that you’ve been fighting other kids at school. Look at me. No son of mine gets into senseless fights—or backs down from a line brawl. If the gloves come off, you better be in there ripping off helmets and slashing the ankles of the other team’s best skaters. Don’t be a pussy.

You have to realize that bullies just want attention. And you know what? They’re the real cowards because usually they are starting a fight they know they can win. A real man knows how to mediate conflict with his words or, when the game is on the line, with the dull blade of his skate.

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