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The Brown Noser

Visiting B-List Celebrity Hunted Down And Paraded On Instagram Like Ten-Point Buck

Published Friday, December 3rd, 2021

Expecting to take a relaxing stroll through campus, a visiting B-List celebrity was instead hunted down and paraded on Instagram like a prize ten-point buck.

“I was just looking forward to having a nice normal afternoon with my daughter,” said Dancing with the Stars personality Derek Hough, his eyes darting around nervously as a group of students closed in on him like a team of big game hunters. “It just gets tiring having to be ‘on’ all the time.”

“I really should have opted for a baseball cap and sunglasses,” Hough continued, doing his best to avoid eye contact with a swarm of students exiting Page-Robinson eager to post a blurry picture of him on their Instagram story with the fervor of hunters who get awarded prize money by the pound. “If one more person asks me to salsa I’m gonna fucking lose it.”

“What was that? I think I saw a rustle in the bushes over the hill there,” Hough whispered, eyes trained on a far-off hedge behind which a dozen students sat ready to pounce, among them campus bloggers and meme page admins hungry to be the first to advertise Hough’s precise location on social media. “Please, please just leave me alone.”

At press time, students were hanging Polaroid selfies they took with Hough on their walls like taxidermied antelope.

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