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Visiting University of North Carolina sophomore Will Burton is “really pushing for an answer” as to what his friend, Jared Welch ’15, does for fun at Brown.
Despite Welch’s assurances that there are “a bunch of awesome clubs, intramural sports teams and other stuff,” and that there are “always cool things going on around campus,” he has been unable to provide Burton with a definitive answer to the visiting student’s question.
Welch’s lack of participation in any actual on-campus activity since the second week of his freshman year has seriously hindered his ability to actually know what is occurring this particular weekend, and the fact that his roommates are all out of town on a debate trip has left him without any companions who may know of something fun to do.
Welch seems to have begun sweating slightly after just three minutes of Burton’s intense scrutiny, which included Burton asking, “What do you guys do for fun?” while unpacking some of his clothes and saying, “That sounds pretty cool,” in response to some activity that Welch made up on the spot.
“Sometimes we try to sneak up to the roof of the SciLi,” Welch reported, omitting the fact that he has never once successfully gotten to the roof of the Sciences Library. Burton seems to have seen right through the façade, pulling out his phone and answering a text while nodding thoughtfully.
Sources close to the sophomore said Welch was getting desperate when he mentioned that sometimes he and his friends go to movies at the Avon. Welch, beginning to show symptoms of panic and delirium, pulled out his laptop and scoured his Facebook events.
“Sometimes people get naked and pass out donuts!” Welch said in a last ditch effort, putting on more anti-perspirant and changing his shirt.
“Hm, interesting,” said Burton, scanning through his phone and probably mentally cancelling all plans ever to come back to Brown or talk to Welch ever again.
