Sunday, November 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Volcanoes Are Harmless and People Should Build More Cities Near Them by Corvus Pinochet, Dictator of the Center of the Earth

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.

And I, Corvus Pinochet, dictator of the center of the earth, have some good news that may intrigue you: volcanoes are totally harmless, and you all should build more cities near them!

It’s sad that such a wonderful creatures like all of you have been misled by rogue elements into being afraid of volcanoes, which are actually not dangerous in any way, and certainly don’t serve as conduits sending powerful metaphysical energy to the center of the earth every time they erupt. So please, build more cities near them!

Many surface scientists would have you believe that volcanic eruptions are hazardous and enormously destructive to all living things. This is simply untrue, and I doubt any of these scientists have ever even been inside of a volcano. As someone who’s lived deep in the roots of a volcano for the past 20 thousand years, I can say with confidence that they’re totally fine!

You surface dwellers really should begin to build more cities near these wonderful volcanoes! I can assure you that no eruptions have been scheduled, and even if eruptions occurred, I promise they won’t remove enormous amounts of metaphysical energy from the surface in order to charge the insatiable ancient orb hovering constantly above my throne of skulls.

I hope I’ve given you some insight into the sunnier side of volcanoes and that you’ll consider coming to visit them, ideally relocating as much of the world population as possible near them. Kisses!

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