You may not have noticed this, but doctors do not sneeze. The truth is, the medical community developed a cure to sneezing over three decades ago and have not shared it with the public only because we think it is very funny when people sneeze.

Everyone in the world sneezes. If you have a cold or allergies, you will sneeze. If you don’t, you will still sneeze. The only way you would not have to sneeze is if we at The American Medical Association gave you the antidote, which would be very easy for us to do. We want to make that very clear. The cure is cheap and has no side effects. It is the product of millions of dollars of medical research and development, and the primary reason we haven’t distributed it is because when people sneeze they make such silly sounds.

This was not an easy decision to make, but another factor that pushed us in the right direction was thinking about all the weird faces people make before they sneeze. Before one sneezes, it looks as though one is trying to think of something but one just can’t—or as though one just woke up and there’s a bumblebee perched on the bridge of one’s nose—or even that there’s a little man inside of one’s head manipulating one’s face so one’s mouth kind of twists and one eyebrow goes up and one’s eyelids just do their own thing. We at The American Medical Association have all taken discreet pictures of somebody about to sneeze and shared them on an email thread we have. We all laugh at the pictures.

It is important to consider the other negative consequences of distributing a worldwide sneezing cure. The word itself is at stake. “Sneeze” is a funny word. The word sneeze sounds as if it could be a Dr. Seuss term, but it is not. Sneezing is a vaguely unpleasant bodily function that everyone except us doctors have to experience on a near-daily basis. If nobody sneezed, we’d never get to say it anymore. Sneeze. Sneeze. Sneeze, sneeze, sneeze. Say it out loud. Sneeze.

We also cured cancer and have not shared that one, but that is just because we’re sadistic fucks.

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