Upon arriving at Providence nightclub X-celsior late Friday night, Joe Scalopi immediately realized that wearing a captain’s hat to the club was not as cool of an idea as he had anticipated. “To me, a captain’s hat conveys immense swagger, but also a certain refined air. To other people, apparently, it conveys ‘Long John Silver’s,’” stated Scalopi following a particularly disappointing night at the club. “For some reason, the hat wasn’t drawing in as many chicks as I thought it would. It’s confusing because there’s no way a loser could be a captain or have such a neat hat. What more do I have to do to trick people into thinking I own a boat?” At press time, Scalopi was considering wearing a tuxedo to the next party he was invited to.

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