Though it may seem otherwise, the strange noises emanating from the lower abdomen of Fiona Denton ’13 are not farts. In a press conference held inside her head, Denton emphatically assured those sitting around her that she was "most certainly not passing any kind of wind.”
Assuming the sounds created by her digestive process were as loud to everyone else as they were to her, Denton imagined herself giving a three- to four-minute speech in which she elaborately explained that she was aware of the noises, there was nothing she could do about them and she hadn’t eaten anything weird.
“That one was the chair,” Denton loudly thought following a particularly suspicious squeak, hoping that her fellow library patrons would pick up on her vehement brainwaves. “I was just shifting my weight and it did that. It happens to lots of people.”
As of press time, everyone still thought they were definitely farts.