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The Brown Noser

White House Staff Races to Buy Go-To Presidents Day Gift of Denture Glue and Vicodin

Published Saturday, February 18th, 2023

On February 19, just one day before Presidents Day, it was reported that White House staff raced to buy their go-to Presidents Day gift of denture glue and Vicodin.

“Presidents Day always sneaks up on us,” said Chief of Staff Ron Klain, frantically grabbing his keys and wallet and rushing out the door. “Thankfully, every president that has ever passed through these walls has had an intimate need for false teeth adhesive and arthritis pain suppressant.”

“I will not lie, under President Obama we were all stumped about what to get such a young and spry man. HotWheels? A baseball mitt? We had no clue what young presidents were up to those days,” said Klain, scurrying up the aisles of CVS with his staff scanning the shelves. “I am so relieved we’ve gone back to our comfort zone these past seven years. Maybe this year, we’ll even throw in a prune juice.”

At press time, Klain giddily threw in a last minute substantial lobbyist donation, figuring no president has ever been disappointed by one.

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