Hey man, that sounds like a lot of fun, but one second: Who is this? Sorry, I lost my phone and had to get a new one and also I lost all of my memories and I had to make new ones.

Yeah it’s the funniest story: I was walking down the street and dropped my phone which would normally be fine, but wouldn’t you know it, my phone fell right into a sewer grate! And right after that I got hit by a taxicab and, as luck would have it, my head hit the ground and I received severe concussive trauma that caused an extreme case of retrograde amnesia!

Anyway, I don’t have your contact information in my phone or any recollection of ever having met anyone after the age of eight. Can you just let me know your name and also what our personal relationship was to one another before my accident?

Really sorry I don’t know who this is—I thought about making a Facebook event but they’re always so obnoxious and also every time I browse my Facebook page I see only a collection of strangers whose smiling faces and personal updates trigger no spark of recognition in the part of my brain responsible for storing and accessing memories.

Let me know who this is and maybe we can hit up that bar we apparently always used to visit, where I will be surrounded by a group who wishes me well and cares about me, which scares me as I cannot possibly return the love they all seem to feel for me.

Also, sorry this took so long to type—I’m still going through physical therapy and also I had to get an old flip phone. Bummer, right?

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