The preparations began in earnest last Thursday as U-Hauls trucked in exclusively female buffalo imported from the Dakotas. Children were ceremonially evacuated from the area, then ceremonially brought back into the area and then evacuated again in an evacuation that may not even have been ceremonial. Hotels replaced their people-sized beds with buffalo-sized beds and their buffalo-sized beds with people-sized beds. Everybody juggled.
New Haven once again finds itself in an uproar, gripped by the excitement of the World Buffalo Squatting Championships. This nine-day buffalo squatting festival is widely believed to be among the world’s most action-packed and perplexing sporting events.
“Whether you’re young or old, rich or poor, man or buffalo: if it’s Connecticut in the springtime, it’s buffalo-squatting season,” said Governor Daniel Malloy in his address to kick off the opening Squat Dynamite Zone Challenge. “And we all know what that means!” The governor did not clarify what that meant.
Inside the Burger King Buffalo-Dome last Sunday, the championships came to a head. The crowd cheered and the crowed jeered as renowned buffalo squatter Melly Fuseli and renowned buffalo spotter Doris McMorris defended their title in the Singles Team Relay, cementing their status as the foremost squatter/spotter team in the nation.
“Doris McMorris is a goddamned joke,” opined Hartford resident Ken Rickles, displaying the opinionated passion and reluctance to explain buffalo squatting to outsiders that are typical of the buffalo squatting enthusiast. “As someone who saw Handel McRandall in action back in ‘78, I know real buffalo spotting when I see it, and that sure as hell ain’t it. As anyone who knows anything about this sport’ll tell you, having a crazy rhyming name just isn’t enough to buffalo spot.”
Declared Fuseli, as he emerged staggering from the ring arm-in-tusk with an enthused buffalo, “I’m the winner!”