Partly Cloudy, 64°
Hey, guy.
Lovely day for a barbecue, isn’t it? Sun, friends, food, nothing like it. Say, what’re you drinking? …Is that a Redd’s?
Listen, buddy. Let me tell you, if you’re drinking that generic swill, you haven’t tried real craft cider like the kind I’ve got in my hand here. And you won’t, unless you take it from me.
I know what you’re thinking. “Plum-Apple Happosho? I’ve never even heard of that brand.” But trust me with this one. This is cider that’s been aged a minimum of eight months before bottling. It has notes of ginger and plum, and it envelopes you with an incomparable woody finish. At this point, you can think that you’ve had cider, but you’d be wrong, until you’ve had a taste of this. So by all means, grab one from the cooler. Just be prepared to have your unworthy tongue torn out if you do, because I’m not letting anyone near this.
That’s right. You think I’m gonna let you have even a sip of this small-batch golden deliciousness? Not a chance, bub. A brew like this doesn’t come around very often, and if you want some you’ll have to kill me for it. And I ain’t goin’ down easy. Not with cider on the line.
I get it, you’re new to the neighborhood. You don’t know how we do things around here. I am the goddamn Cider King, and if you want a piece of my throne you best come for me with everything you got.
This is a truly sublime draft, an exquisite balance of fruit and ferment-it has a smooth 4.8% ABV, a rating of 89 from CiderAdvocate, and a lifelong oath from myself to slaughter anyone who tries to take it from me.
Yeah, that’s what I expected. Go on—slink back off to the party with the rest of em, clutching that aluminum can of filth in your impotent fingers. I’ll be sitting here in the corner with my craft ale, and if you decide on returning to attempt to pry it from me, I’m prepared to bury you in the dirt with next season’s barrel.
Come back and see what happens. I’ll be waiting.
