Partly Cloudy, 64°
Oh hey there buddy! Woah, she’s a cutie! What’s her name? How precious! Twinkie! Is Twinkie friendly? Mind if we take her to the lab and teach her to feel shame?
Boy, she sure is cute! Bet she’s smart too. Hmm—funny that we’re on this topic actually because me and the fellas over at the behavioral studies department are working on something and we think Twinkie would be perfect for it.
You wouldn’t mind if… Twinkie you don’t think your owner would mind, do you honey? Listen, you wouldn’t mind if we taught precious little Twinkie over here how to feel shame, would ya? And before you say what everyone says, let me stop you right there, shame isn’t the only thing we’re going to teach Twinkie, we’re not monsters. Once we make her self-aware and able to explore her consciousness she’ll be able to feel all sorts of emotions aside from shame: love, empathy, kindness, envy, greed, lust, hate, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, entitlement, apathy, dread, anxiety, desperation, guilt, and so much more. Participants in the past have said our lab made their pets cynical and hopeless, but we always say, wouldn’t you rather your pet be a realist than some sort of delusional idealist that thinks every dog deserves a treat or that they’re really going to a farm upstate?
Alright we really gotta go, those mice aren’t going to engage in mob violence all by themselves. Well, hope you consider our offer and if you think our program would be a good match for Twinkie, just drop her in the big metal slot on the Biomedical building.
