According to reports from multiple acquaintances, your roommate Craig and the only woman you will ever truly care about are totally going to town on each other.

“Check out Craig and Veronica!” exclaimed your friend Roger as he elbowed you and pointed to your chance at a happy life slipping away. “They’re making out and they’re probably going to take off their clothes pretty soon and I think they’re dating and it’s getting serious! That Craig sure is one lucky man! Although with him being taller and smarter and having cooler shirts than you, I can’t really call this a surprise!”

Added Roger, “There goes the tongue again!”

Roger then proceeded to speculate on the various ways and positions in which they could have sexual intercourse with each other. As of press time, Craig and Veronica were going to go get married and have three kids and live their great lives while you became a sad, sexless hobo or something.

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