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For years, the Absolute Quiet Room of the Rockefeller Library has served as a haven for the portion of Brown's student body that has deemed you unworthy to speak to them. Since the beginning of the spring semester, however, the sanctity of this silent study space has been violated in the very worst of ways-there are a bunch of mimes in it.
It is yet unknown when the mimes first came or why they have chosen to take up residence in the Absolute Quiet Room. The number of mimes present in the room varies, but according to reports, as few as three and as many as forty have been spotted on any given day. Students have witnessed the mimes performing numerous acts, including pulling ropes, climbing ladders, and reenacting the epic 1993 AFC first-round playoff game between the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers, in which the Bills rallied from a 25-point deficit to win it in overtime.
Needless to say, students attempting to work in the Absolute Quiet Room have found it exceedingly difficult.
"Seriously, fuck those mimes," remarked Doug Finnigan '07, a particularly irate frequenter of the room. "How am I supposed to do research for my senior thesis when there are six or seven French dudes in there, all acting like they're stuck in a box? Come on, at least do something that doesn't suck."
Samantha Bree '09 sounded off about the mimes as well: "I'll be in there reading a book, and some mimes will sit down right across from me and start pretending to do the same thing. They're mocking me! I would tell them to shove off, but the other people in the room would beat me with rods for talking."
University officials have heard complaints from Finnigan, Bree, and many other students, but claim their hands are tied.
"Technically, they aren't breaking any rules," stated Penelope Stone of the Office of the University Librarian. "Sure they're annoying and creepy, but unless they make an audible sound, they have just as much of a right to be in that room as anyone
else."
Raymond Lassiter '10, another Room regular, heard Stone's statement and jumped into action. Lassiter is the President and Cofounder of Mimes are Retarded, a student organization centered around the idea that mimes are retarded. It took weeks for Lassiter's original group application to be considered by the Student Activities Office, due to the fact that his proposed philosophy is innately offensive to both mimes and the mentally retarded. It was finally approved when the SAO decided that "mimes really are kind of retarded."
"We try and get the mimes in the Absolute Quiet Room to make noise," Lassiter explained to The Noser. "We wait until a mime is focused on pretending to peel a banana. I then sneak up from behind and tickle the mime viciously. Sometimes it takes a good three or four minutes for it to crack up, but it always does. Once the mime has broken the silence, all bets are off, and we swarm. Usually they're smart enough to run when they see the spears. Usually." When asked to elaborate, Lassiter stared ahead vacantly and replied, "In my line of work, sometimes you gotta remind yourself. they're just mimes."
For now, it appears that there will be no immediate end to the occupation, despite Lassiter's best efforts. The Office of the University Librarian is considering several strategies to implement later this semester.
"One guy suggested we change the room's name to the Absolute Quiet Room Plus No Mimes, but it just doesn't flow right," Stone explained.
When asked about the recent intrusions, the mimes responded, " ."
