Stephen's articles
Students unwilling to man up and give it to her proper can now get their precious condoms from a machine that won't judge them for the chumps they are.
"This is a big step for sexual education here at Brown," said some dumb cunt who needs to quit blathering and get on the pill.
Back in November, biology concentrator Thomas Rawling '09 needed a miracle to help him balance a spring schedule that included two lab courses and an independent study on human psychoses. When he discovered "UNIV0640: Introduction to Video Games" on a late-night Banner browsing session, Rawling thought he'd found just the thing.
Gentlemen, I am delighted to announce the following: regarding the issue of 'that', wherein 'that' refers to the blonde by the bar in the purple miniskirt who is loudly decrying her "shithead ex-boyfriend Lionel," the jury has returned a unanimous verdict of 'would hit'.
I am a human being, endowed by my ancestors with courage, compassion, and a tremendous capacity for hope. Hope that stands stalwart against adversity. Hope that shields the heart from even the most violent and relentless of storms. But with the recent corruption of the Monster Jam monster truck circuit, all hope is lost.
Last week, in the latest addition to the Plan for Academic Enrichment, Brown University unveiled its plans for a $26 million project called the Walk of Shame, which will connect various residence halls and the bathroom at Viva on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
Meghan Fitch '09 is ecstatic.
Two weeks ago, Fitch was interviewed for a feature in the College Hill Independent. When she read the resultant story four days later, she discovered to her great delight that she had been grossly misquoted.
"They didn't actually change much," Fitch explained.
Scientists eased the worries of the American population yesterday when they determined that the strain of bacteria stolen during a robbery of Wuntech Laboratories last week "will probably not devour the flesh from your bones."
"We are, like, sixty, no, seventy percent positive that there is nothing to worry about," said lab administrator Harold Thompson.
Almost a full four months after returning to the United States, Janet Denson '08 still can't even go ten minutes without blathering about Kenya. Densen spent her fall semester in the African nation, providing aid to some of its most impoverished regions.
Last week, Dean of Admission James Miller declared Brown's recently admitted Class of 2011 to be the "worst class ever."
"This is not an exaggeration," Miller stressed. "And I do not mean in the history of Brown, or even of the United States. I mean since the emergence of organized education as a fundament of human civilization."
A Brown student was killed last night, a spokesperson announced. The victim, found without his head, was promptly dead pronounced. Young Martin Pitt, a Jabberwock, had barely turned nineteen. His family, when notified, was shockingly obscene:
"What a fucking moron," said Pitt's mother, Martha Rentence, who didn't take her husband's name so I could rhyme this sentence.
In a stunning display of shameless exhibitionism, The Brown Noser convinced the Undergraduate Council of Students to grant it status as a Category III student group. This assignment allows for the Undergraduate Finance Board to provide The Noser with a budget to counteract financial losses incurred.
Brown University was handed the two most grievous losses of all time last weekend when its debate and men's lacrosse teams accidentally boarded each other's buses while attempting to depart for their respective competitions. The error stemmed from a coincidence of epic proportions, in that the teams were told to meet in the same place at the same time wearing the same clothes to get on charter buses from the same company, both of which were driven by a heavyset Dominican man named Alardo who has one arm and doesn't speak any English.
A group of prospective students and their families was led astray during a routine campus tour yesterday, a Bruin Club official reported. The tour had progressed without incident until guide Danny Oswald '08 broke from his mindless, scripted fluff and began to improvise.
The world of academia revealed its darker side yesterday when Frederick Giltshire '07 was slain while defending his honors thesis from an ambush by classmate Roland von Duskfield '07. Giltshire and Duskfield were the only seniors concentrating in Medieval Studies, and as such, a heated rivalry had long existed between the two.
<b>Brown Noser Video!</b>
For years, the Absolute Quiet Room of the Rockefeller Library has served as a haven for the portion of Brown's student body that has deemed you unworthy to speak to them. Since the beginning of the spring semester, however, the sanctity of this silent study space has been violated in the very worst of ways-there are a bunch of mimes in it.
A Brown University spokesperson announced yesterday that Earth's energy crisis is solved thanks to Thomas French, Associate Professor of Gender Studies. Four days ago, French successfully developed Cold Fusion, a feat that scientists had long attempted before finally dismissing as "too fucking hard."
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