Friday, March 29, 2024
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Administration Acknowledges Live Grizzly Mascot was "Terrible, Bloody Mistake"

Published Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Following the carnage at last week's softball game against Cornell, the administration has finally acknowledged that their ill-fated introduction of live grizzly mascot Bartholomew the Bear was a mistake. Michael Goldberger, the Director of Athletics at Brown, recently called a press conference to apologize to the community at large.

Shortly after Goldberger approved the expenditure, Rick Merriam, the director of the Live Mascot Board of Affairs (LMBA), contacted several prominent hunters in the Pacific Northwest region and requested that they hunt and sedate the "biggest, fuzziest, friendliest bear out there," and bring him straight
into the "welcoming arms of the Brown community."

Following the capture and sedation of a 1,500 pound grizzly he dubbed Barty, Merriam released a series of press statements building up anticipation of the bear's arrival. Explaining his decision to bring a live bear to campus, Merriam said "you need something lifelike that people can relate to. I'm just trying to get the students excited, get them involved."

Judging by the small pile of corpses that lay in the middle of the Brown softball field, Merriam certainly succeeded in his effort to get people involved.

The media hype resulted simultaneously in a record-breaking attendance level for an NCAA softball game and a record-breaking number of casualties for a single bear attack.

During the 7th inning stretch, a pickup truck with still-sedated Barty loaded in the back drove up to the center of the baseball field to the sound of prodigious cheering. The crowd fell to a hush, however, as the apparently lifeless Barty was dragged from the truck bed and deposited unceremoniously on the pitcher's mound.

"Don't worry!," cried Merriam. "He's just a little tired!" Merriam proceeded to hand out electrical cattle prods to ten delighted spectators in the crowd, and entreated them to "go and wake up sleepy old Uncle Barty."

Barty remained unresponsive after the first few furtive prods from the giggling fans, but eventually grunted, rolled, and stood up on his hind-legs, engendering a delighted roar from the crowd.

This delighted roar transitioned quickly to a terrified scream as a single swipe of the bear's lengthy arms felled four prodders and scattered the rest. Merriam, standing not ten feet away from the fierce grizzly, grasped the danger of the situation immediately.

"Stay completely still!" He shouted to the crowd, "Grizzlies can only see things that are moving."

His assertion, evidenced by his almost immediate disembowlment, proved false. Barty the Bear then trundled towards the Cornell dug-out, where many players and spectators had taken refuge from the creature's terrible fury.

Despite the whispered prayers and shouted imprecations of those within, Barty's claw parted the chain-link fence protecting the dugout like a knife through butter or rather like five-inch razor sharp bear claws through human flesh.

Finally, after the carnage subsided, Barty elected to take a nap, at which point he was re-sedated and left to the custody of the World Wildlife Fund. A press conference was held the next day to assess the event.

Goldberger apologized sincerely for all of the damage that Barty had caused. However, the press conference was not without its lighter moments. "At least," he added with a sheepish grin and a downcast look, "it was just the softball team."

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…