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What began as a friendly wager between the competing staffs of the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall and the Sharpe Refectory has resulted in the largest display of bloodshed and broken plateware in the University's 244-year history.
First proposed by Executive Chef John O'Shea, the bet consisted of a contest of sorts between the staffs of the two dining halls. According to O'Shea, each staff served a member of the other kitchen a plate of mystery meat, and each taster had one guess to figure out what the meat was.
The successful guessing volleyed back and forth for five rounds until V-Dub staff member Stan "The Man" Morris stated that a plate of Alligator was actually Crocodile.
Stripped of his title as "The Man," Stan "The Stupid Fucking Dick Face" Morris was unavailable for comment on his embarrassing failure because nobody has seen him for weeks.
Morris's mysterious and thoroughly under-investigated disappearance is not the only tragedy to befall the V-Dub in the past weeks, however. Indeed, the carnage that has enveloped the V-Dub staff over the past month because of the lost competition has made their place of work appear less like a kitchen and more like a preview for 28 Months Later.
"We haven't seen this many decapitations in one month on campus since the Ultimate Frisbee team stopped using sharpened, titanium discs," said University historian Martha Mitchell. "It took us weeks to clear all the fingers off the field from all those sorry fools who tried to catch the damn things."
Members of the Ratty staff recently announced that, had they lost, they would have been required to perform a rendition of the Soulja Boy dance in front of a tour group.
When asked if they really thought the terms of the bet were fair, Ratty cooks pointed out that they gave the V-Dub staff the option of supermaning a ho without permission instead but they decided to "go for the physical challenge."
Little did the employees of the V-Dub suspect that their task would be less a physical challenge and more a test of psychological fortitude that would rock them to their very souls.
Chef O'Shea noted that the current state of affairs at the V-Dub was "regrettable," but that neither he nor any of the members of the Ratty's staff could be held responsible for their
colleagues' inadequate knowledge of the different varieties of animal flesh.
"The truth is they tried as hard as they could to beat our meat know-how, but they just didn't have a firm enough grasp of the material. If you ask me, they should have spent a little less time on the theory and a little more time actually using their tongues to get the job done right," said O'Shea in an extremely poor choice of words.
If there can be a positive side to such a situation, the atmosphere has given way to a surprising number of transfer students from Cornell and New York University eager to apply for jobs working with Brown Dining Services.
"We warn 'em to stay out of the V-Dub kitchen but they just keep right on heading in there. I guess they all like the idea of a challenge," said a BDS representative who preferred to remain unnamed for legal reasons.
In an effort to combat the situation, the Brown Division of Engineering has been working tirelessly to design a suit capable of withstanding the kitchen's hostile environment.
Initially, chainmail armor was considered the most viable option until several engineering students discovered that a rogue fork managed to dislodge a high-pressure hot water valve in the kitchen's northwest quadrant. A memorial service will be held for the brave engineers this Saturday following a seminar on the proper care for third degree burns.
Another possible approach may be to ask students living on Pembroke to stop adding dirty dishes to the conveyor belt until somebody can find a way to slow it down, but this plan was apparently abandoned after the University considered the implications of even longer lines at the Ratty.
For now, the mayhem persists, but O'Shea assures us that happier times lay ahead: "They have to run out of plates eventually, don't they?"
