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After several weeks of being ignored, put off, and slighted by Joshua Worthington '12, his political science paper finally decided to write itself last Thursday. According to the paper, this was fitting punishment for Worthington's disrespect over the course of their fraught relationship.
"When we first got together, everything was great. Joshua put his name on me, and we fooled around with the introduction a little bit. He brought me a few books, and was so confident he marked up his calendar with all the time we would spend together."
But after a strong start, Worthington became increasingly distracted. Reportedly, the paper waited up several nights in a row while he ditched it to play Super Smash Brothers and to smoke pot. It insisted that it was not being clingy or nagging, although Worthington tells a different story. He was overheard complaining to his friends about how his paper was always hanging over his head and demanding his attention, and finally declared that it had taken over all of his time. "That's just not true," said the assignment, hurt by Worthington's harsh words. "The only time he saw me that week was Saturday. He threw a few sentences down while pregaming for a pregaming party." The paper stopped to dry a few errant commas. "I guess he could only be around me when he was drunk."
Reportedly, the essay on 18th-century Russian politics was about to give up hope when Worthington swore that he would never procrastinate again, and took it out to the SciLi for an unforgettable evening of writing. The work went beautifully for a while, and the paper swears that it felt "real chemistry" between them. After a productive hour, however, Worthington saw the girl he awkwardly grinded with at the 80's party and left to attempt a conversation with her. He returned after learning that she was not into Coldplay and was "really busy" tomorrow night, but by then the magic was gone.
"That's when he started playing around with my margins, and demanded that I get a bigger font," recalled the paper with a shudder. "Apparently Helvetica wasn't 'good enough' for him."
At long last, the essay decided to write itself out of spite. Worthington returned to his dormitory to find fifteen eloquent pages on Russian policymaking displayed on his computer, complete with footnotes and title page. The paper described what it had done as "a bold act of vengeance," and declared that "this really showed him. Now he'll never get the satisfaction of doing me himself. I can take care of my own happiness."
Worthington was unavailable for comment as of press time, having reportedly vacated his room for fear of ghosts.
