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American military forces made their final withdrawals from Iraq today, ending 5 minutes of what began as an uncomfortable invasion and turned into an awkward, mismanaged occupation.
The retreat was entirely unexpected by experts of both nations, although White House staffers reported that President Bush assumed his 'O' face earlier today in a video conference with Iraqi president Jalal Talabani. Bush spoke earlier at a press conference, trying feebly to conceal his embarrassment.
"Nobody can really predict these things," he said, flustered. Talabani had no immediate response, but commented that the United States could at least have helped with the cleanup.
"I mean, they didn't even leave us a towel," said Talabani. Aesthetics aside, the touchiest issue at hand is the duration of America's occupation. On the home front, much of the American public believed the experience was a becoming unnecessarily drawn out. James Vass '11 felt that the touted "Shock and Awe" tactics should have ensured a shorter engagement. "Hit it and quit it," Vass quipped. He also recommended that the government "chill for a while and then hit it again."
Iraqis were not so forgiving. Polls in the Middle-Eastern nation show that citizens supported a later bailout, with 67% of all Iraqis advocating a postponement of at least 2 minutes. Talabani offered an explanation. "You know, after a rocky start, we finally had a good rhythm going."
A high-strung Iraqi cabinet member reported similar misgivings about the shocking exit, at first believing that "[the US was] just getting ready for another troop surge. the last one felt so good."
Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois was quick to criticize the move as far too hasty. "You know, when you rush in without proper protection, you can't expect to really finish the job in a satisfactory manner."
Republican candidate Sen. John McCain of Arizona disagreed with Obama. "It's not like we're just leaving," he argued. McCain then outlined a plan he called "truth and reconciliation," which would involve kissing Iraq "on the forehead" and "making up something about football practice".
McCain's running mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska commented only that she would refuse to give Iraq emergency contraception.
