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With the goals of the "Boldly Brown" initiative finally met, President Ruth Simmons has announced a new direction for the school's fund-raising efforts: 1,000 bear statues. Essential to this new campaign is recently appointed Dean of Bear Statues Mr. B. D. Phillips. In the words of the new dean:
"You call yourselves the Brown Bears, and you only have four bear statues on campus? Mathematically speaking, that's exactly 996 too few. You are pathetic and I will continue to hate all of you until you love bears as much as I do," said Phillips.
Asked to comment on the new dean's controversial remarks, Simmons remarked "Bears! Bears! Bears! Bears!"
Phillips kicked off the campaign with a few words for the Brown community:
"I have this dream in which students walk across the main green and all they can see is bear statues. They get so sick of all the statues that they try to look the other way. But when they do, they only see more bear statues. Until they realize that they've been cast into bear statues themselves. Sort of like a bear prison filled with bear statues that all happen to look like our aunts-in-common, but I'll get to THAT later. You're probably not smart enough to understand me right now, but just know that its pretty groovy what I'm cooking up over here."
One student questioned the new Dean's plan, stating that all the money for the bronze statues should be used to get newer computers for the Computer Science Department. In response, the Dean resorted to his habit of erroneously referencing the Discovery Channel.
"Ever seen a bear fight a computer? Its like stealing candy from a baby and then shoving it down the throat of a stupid, silly little computer with your massive bear paws. If you've never witnessed this, then turn on your freakin' TV and watch the Discovery Channel! Its on the Beast vs. Machine series. probably."
Asked why she picked Phillips over the other six candidates for the position, Simmons explained it was "partly because of his experience, mainly because he was willing to work out of a construction hole near Smith-Buonanno."
