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Scientists eased the worries of the American population yesterday when they determined that the strain of bacteria stolen during a robbery of Wuntech Laboratories last week "will probably not devour the flesh from your bones."
"We are, like, sixty, no, seventy percent positive that there is nothing to worry about," said lab administrator Harold Thompson. "The vial in question was being stored in the green refrigerator, which is definitely the 'non-flesh-eating' refrigerator. Some of us even keep our lunch in there."
Though a surefire color-coding system is in place, Thompson admits that a combination of factors has led to some uncertainty regarding the exact nature of the bacteria.
"One of our interns is red-green colorblind, so sometimes he'll return a sample to the wrong place," Thompson explained. "The contents of the red fridge are classified, but I can tell you that everything in it will eat your flesh."
Thompson went on to mention that the red and green refrigerators are painted their opposite color every six months, and he "might have forgotten to send out an e-mail the last time that happened."
Top researchers around the country have suggested that the Wuntech staff take a complete inventory of their samples to definitively determine the single item missing.
"That's a really awesome idea," said Wuntech supply chief Carter Wingham. "Unfortunately, a lot of the guys here like to play this prank where they swap the labels on the samples. They say the facial expression you make when you realize you've just been exposed to a fatal toxin never stops being funny. If nothing else, it does give the emergency medical response team something to do most days."
A federal investigation is currently underway to determine how Wuntech has been able operate for the past ten years without utterly annihilating the human race. Early reports from the investigation have described this fact as a miracle.
Regardless of the reasonably low risk of flesh-consumption, Thompson urged the public to exercise care.
"It is important to note that while this strain will probably not eat your flesh, it will definitely explode your heart."
