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The Brown University registration program Banner malfunctioned Wednesday, triggering the launch of the entire United States nuclear arsenal to select targets around the world. This mass extermination of humanity began when Brown student Alicia Ambers '11 signed up for a Friday section which was at the same time as her Monday-Wednesday-Friday class.
"I honestly didn't think anything was going to happen!" said Ambers, noticeably distraught after involuntarily causing the destruction of the human race. "I just wanted to see if Banner would let me do it!"
Ambers then dissolved into tears, and then dissolved entirely because her tears had mutated into hydrochloric acid after massive radiation exposure.
Most of the weapons of mass destruction were pointed at Russia, which collapsed into the Earth's mantle early yesterday morning. Many others were pointed at typical enemies of the United States: North Korea, Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, and France.
Some interesting targets, however, came to light after Banner's malfunction. India, Mexico, and China were targeted, and thus annihilated, apparently as a way to solve the United States's outsourcing problem. Bhutan, Djibouti, the Czech Republic, and Kyrgyzstan were targeted and eradicated, possibly to improve the average national spelling grade of American children. And Uruguay and Paraguay were wiped clean off the map for being too "guay." San Francisco has also been completely destroyed.
Providence itself received the most fallout from a curiously placed nuke that detonated a block east of the New York Times building in Manhattan.
As humanity's chapter comes to a close due to colossal radiation and the onset of nuclear winter, Brown student Tucker Briggs '09, remarked, "Well, at least class is canceled," and then promptly grew another nose.
