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A rigorous, four year-long study conducted by Marcia Kulik of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation has linked binge drinking with low-level brain damage, as well as a host of other serious side effects. Kulik explained that of these effects, by far the most significant were heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and being really popular.
The study, which drew an enormous sample of college and high school students from across the country, has attracted attention and praise from both parents and medical authorities. It was recently lauded by the acting United States Surgeon General, Kenneth Moritsugu, who said that "after having reviewed Kulik's results, there can be no doubt that adolescents and young adults who binge drink. put themselves in danger of being really fucking cool."
While there is no consensus on the precise definition of 'binge drinking,' the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) uses the working definition of consuming five or more drinks in a period of about two hours. The term has become widely understood to refer to an evening of heavy drinking with the intent of becoming severely intoxicated and getting laid, if at all possible.
This dangerous and increasingly prevalent phenomenon is often accompanied by loud, cool music, hot girls, assorted creative and engaging drinking games, and tons of fun.
Kulik's study asserts that repeated instances of binge drinking, especially during the crucial developmental periods of adolescence and early adulthood, will result in brain damage roughly equivalent to the loss of "two or three points on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale [widely known as the IQ scale], and.will lead inevitably to an almost exponential increase in the number of friends one has."
Zack Schlager, a junior at the University of Chicago majoring in molecular biology, explained his reasoning behind abstaining from alcoholic beverages in a recent interview. "It's not so much that I have something against drinking, I just don't think I need to drink in order to have a good time. I mean, is it really necessary to drink yourself into a coma in order to enjoy a Friday night?" he asks. "I don't think so." Schlager ends most nights crying silently into a pillow, tormented by the ever-present spectre of loneliness.
Jin-Kyong Si, a sophomore at Syracuse who plans to attend medical school directly after obtaining her undergraduate degree, offers a different perspective. "I've long since realized that drinking to the extent that many kids here do affects academic performance," she explains, echoing the conclusions of the recent study. "When you're trying to get into medical school and you have to compete with thousands of other bright students, you can't afford to lose a single brain cell!"
When asked if her peers criticized her for her decision to abstain from alcoholic beverages, Si shook her head. "No," she said thoughtfully, "most people just ignore me entirely."
On the other side of the debate are professed binge drinkers, who show little to no remorse for engaging in such risky behavior. It was impossible to obtain an interview with said students, since they were all busy having a great time with their friends or making out with really hot girlfriends.
Kulik's study, however, leaves no room for doubt: these reckless youths might be raising their blood pressure a little bit or causing minor, almost unnoticeable brain damage.
