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This past Saturday night, the Department of Public Safety busted an underground dog-fighting ring being run in the bowels of Keeney Quadrangle. Police say that they were alerted to the illegal activities several weeks ago when blue dogprints began to appear all around the Brown campus.
"At first we thought it was just drunken vandalism," said Officer Walter Sneady. "You know how it is; you have a few too many drinks and suddenly it seems like a good idea to cover your Labrador Retriever in blue paint and set him loose on a quad."
What puzzled the officers was why the dogprints happened to come in threes. There seemed to be no logical connection among the vandalized objects: a bike lock, an emergency blue light, and every "Fight Club" poster on campus. The case was disregarded after minimal investigation.
A few weeks later, during DPS's designated "mail time," a letter was suspiciously slipped under the door, bearing the vandal's blue dogprint insignia. In the envelope was an anonymous note attached to a copy of American Civilization Professor Steve Josephs' academic journal relating the set of three dogprint clues in the TV show "Blues Clues" to the uncovering of the Watergate scandal. The anonymous note read, "Blue skadoo, dear god, please save me from this living hell." Naturally, the DPS officers pulled out their handy-dandy notebooks and started to investigate.
With the help of the FBI and a group of schoolchildren yelling out what to do and where to go, DPS quickly located the dog-fighting arena and successfully apprehended the criminals running it. The bust was followed by the officers telling each other how smart they were through song.
The two individuals arrested were an illegal alien named Dora and her galoshes-wearing cohort, nicknamed "Boots." Dora had been avoiding the police ever since she crossed the U.S.-Mexico border illegally in the summer of 2004. Along with her rainbooted, drug-smuggling partner, she created a fake wildlife conservation non-profit in order to gain access to baby jaguars, baby penguins, and other cuddly animals. They would then trap the animals and train them to fight to the death. She had been on the FBI's radar for years, but had successfully eluded them at the Sparkling River, the Frosty Mountains, and made it all the way to her abuelita's house in Providence before she made the fateful mistake of leaving behind a detailed map of her travels.
Blue was released unharmed, but she was so scarred from the awful truths of her captivity that she quickly teleported into an Abbey Road poster hanging in the nearest dorm room. As for Dora and Boots, they were arrested and are being held on remand in anticipation of their trial. When asked why she did it, Dora replied, "Money is dinero. I like dinero. Do you like making mucho dinero?"
After waiting an awkwardly long amount of time for a response, Dora added, "Bueno!"
