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Local artist Pierre Zapocky '12 is an ardent believer in feng shui, the ancient Chinese aesthetic tradition. His dormitory is set up in the most ambient of ways, with cool colors beautifully complementing earthy tones, thus creating a most harmonious area for thumb-twiddling and bong usage. His 'qi,' or energy and life force, is "like so high, like off the charts," according to Zapocky himself, a self-proclaimed expert on "this sort of stuff."
Unfortunately for Zapocky, the majority of his peers are simply unable to respect and comprehend his advanced spiritual beliefs. At his part-time Brown University Dining Services job, his efforts to bring beauty to the barren stomachs of the student body are met with scorn, instead of acclaim.
"Why can't I create beautiful environments within the natural terrain of my culinary work?" questioned Zapocky, currently assigned to the "Build Your Own Sandwich" line for a three-hour midday shift every Monday, Thursday, and Friday. "Why won't the elements of Earth let me achieve that?"
Perhaps the elements feel sympathy towards the hungry victims of Zapocky's work. The sandwich line has noticeably lengthened during the times Zapocky is working. Last Tuesday, the line of lunch-seekers stretched through the entirety of Faunce House and made its way outside, curling onto the pavement of Brown Street and temporarily holding up traffic.
"I have no idea what that moron's doing," said Joanna Williams '12, who swipes student identification cards during the same shift as Zapocky.
"That is unbelievable," added Mike Grant '14, right after receiving his roast beef on rye concoction from Zapocky after a 35-minute wait. "The guy insisted on adding tomatoes to my sandwich, kept saying it would ease the destructive arrangement between my 'scorched roast beef and sunlit Swiss cheese.' "
"What the hell? I fucking hate tomatoes."
Despite the mixed reviews of his work, Zapocky is intent on preserving his meticulous, qi-maximizing process of sandwich development. The Noser got hold of his step-by-step routine, carefully inscribed on a scroll of parchment labeled "The Path to Sandwich Ecstasy."
Zapocky begins with the "Bagua Bad Energy Bitchslap". After receiving an order, Zapocky calmly gathers the required ingredients and then whips out his bagua mirror, a tool used to detect negative energy. He then ambles towards a Blue Room window, as the mirror can only be used outside. The cafeteria worker then separates the sandwich elements-each piece of lettuce, every slice of cheese-and holds it by the mirror, sometimes for hours at a time. The process is marked by Zapocky's guttural shrieks, which he emits after encountering bad energy in his deli products.
Once the separation of positive and negative ham slices is complete, the feng shui master moves on to his second, and final, step. Although his parchment contains a seemingly lengthy list of tasks, the Noser gathers that the middle chunk only contains inspirational messages, perhaps designed to help Zapocky stay strong during the arduous ordeal. Phrases
include "He who knows others is wise, but he who knows himself is enlightened," "Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again," and "Yo, Adrian! It's me, Rocky."
The final step is titled "Lovely Lo-Pan Looky Looky". Zapocky uses the Lo-Pan, a feng shui compass, to arrange the sandwich components in the finest of ways. As he drags each ingredient onto the bread with his right hand, he carefully clutches the compass with his left hand. Reportedly, Zapocky sometimes gets too eager, sticking his nasty compass straight through the top slice of bread "in order to get a better reading."
As of press time, Zapocky was observed in the final stages of the Lovely Lo-Pan Looky Looky, gently layering pickles onto the edges of a grilled chicken wrap. He was overheard asking the Blue Room patron if he would like help calculating his Kua number, which "helps one determine the cardinal directions best suited for one's optimal harmony."
"Just shut up and make me my wrap," the patron said.
