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After days of battle, strife, and death, the interim president of the Rhode Island School of Design met with Brown University President Ruth Simmons to sign what has been called the Simmons Annexation Accords. The accords state that the University has official control over RISD, to be renamed The Katherine Bergeron School of Fine Arts.
The short, but costly, University War had been a powder keg waiting to go off. The first attempt at annexation occurred years ago under the direction of former Brown President Gordon Gee. During the Gee administration, members of the RISD student body held a vote not to accept Gee's conditions. Although most students decided they valued "nonconformity" and independence from "Brown's institutionalized Ivy League elitism" above quality of education, one RISD alumnus summarized the counter-argument of the minority.
"I was interested in, you know, maybe taking a class that didn't involve painting. Maybe, you know, have problem sets, or learn something that can be used in life. That's what we were looking for from joining Brown."
While cheers could be heard throughout the RISD campus, silence was heard within Independence Hall on the other end of College Hill. A stone-faced President Gee sat silent while members of his cabinet shifted awkwardly in their seats.
One cabinet member later stated that "those 30 minutes were the most uncomfortable of [her] life." She added that the twitching of Gee's bowtie "instilled terror" among her colleagues.
Gee's response was that he would not pursue military action because he "didn't really care for the arts anyway unless, of course, RISD students were painting masterpieces of or for [his] campus mansion." For the time being, the issue disappeared from the headlines, though thoughts of annexation brewed inside the minds of Brown officials and RISD students alike.
Not surprisingly, annexation became the main campaign issue during the latest Brown presidential election. One virtually unknown nominee rose through the ranks quickly as a dark horse candidate, campaigning on the grounds that it was time that RISD be Brown's. That candidate was Ruth Simmons.
Running under the slogan, "Trust in me, and I'll get you RISD," Simmons won easily. Knowing of Simmons' intentions, RISD President Roger Mandle began to rally a small army of faculty. However, Mandle knew his chances were slim, for he was greatly outnumbered in terms of Brown-RISD faculty ratio. And worse still, Brown had the geographic advantage of the higher ground. Nevertheless, Roger the Militaristically Inclined yet Still Maintaining the Art World's Dedication to Pacifism, as he was henceforth known, would fight to the death for
his proud institution.
Mandle applied his newfound respect to rally his troops. He ordered the Pottery Department to dedicate all clay resources to creating giant balls of ceramic. The Woodwork Department built spears, shields, and small trebuchets with which to launch the clay balls. Furthermore, Mandle had his painters sharpen their brushes and practice hand-to-hand mortal combat with their lethal blades. He also had them gather every ounce of paint within their stores as a last line of defense.
As one artist proudly shouted, "They may take our lives, but they will never take our colors."
Students, wanting to get in on the fun, knitted fuzzy purple ribbons to pin on the chests of the war's bravest fighters.
RISD faculty worked tirelessly to refine their weapons, spending time only to eat, sleep, create majestic self-portraits and busts in case their lives were lost in battle.
Meanwhile, Simmons and her hordes went to work as well. Simmons first tasked the History Department with creating a strategy for victory.
General Gordon Wood, history professor and Revolutionary War expert, stated that "victory was not a question, just a matter of time."
Simmons also took the German Department under her wing to make the elite special-ops force, which later became known as the Ruth Riders. The entire Engineering Department went to work on artillery. Finally, Simmons called upon the Chemistry Department to develop chemical agents to counteract RISD's paint arsenal.
As Simmons stated, "I've seen the movie Hook, and know exactly how much damage paint can do."
The History Department's plan was threefold. As Wood later recalled, "I set up heavy artillery on top of List to rain hell on those pussy artists. I positioned my infantry unit in the Rock, which is so stable, it can withstand RISD's toughest clay pellets. And finally, I sent my special-ops to the Jewelry District to flank the enemy from behind." He added that he "also had a few surprises up [his] sleeve."
On one misty morning, the battle of the universities began. With what will forever be remembered as "The Clay Ball Heard 'Round the World," RISD struck first under direct orders from President Mandle. The beautifully welded ceramic sphere hurdled through the air, through the roof of the Philosophy Department. Simmons later commented that she had no idea the building was owned by Brown and did not find it to be a big loss.
In response, Brown released its secret weapon, which had been prepared by students of CHEM 35 Organic Chemistry. Like a flash flood, a massive river of acetone was sent careening down Waterman Street and rampaged through the RISD troops and supplies, dissolving all the paint RISD had gathered.
Mandle was set back, but hopeful. Little did he know that Simmons and her Ruth Riders had departed from the Coro Center-a Brown-owned building in the Jewelry District-and were approaching RISD's unprotected backside. As the Ruth Riders approached, Mandle turned to find himself face-to-face with none other than Ruth Simmons herself.
As Simmons' later stated, "I could see the fear in his eyes, and at that moment, I knew that RISD would be mine. Then I did the only thing I knew would end this pathetic war."
What Simmons did next can only be described as magical. Simmons drew her sword, jumped, did a 180, and then plunged her weapon into Mandle's back (a maneuver later copied by Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy). As Mandle's body hit the paint-and-acetone-splattered Waterman Street, the sounds of paintbrushes hitting the ground resonated throughout College Hill. The short war had come to a stunning end.
Two days later, President Simmons and Interim President of RISD Pablo Van Gogh met at a neutral location within the shrub-like structure in front of Independence Hall to sign the official surrender papers.
At a conference, Simmons stated proudly, "This is a great day for Brown and The Katherine Bergeron School of Fine Arts. TONIGHT. WE DINE. AT THE V-DUB!"
